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February 2010
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Career change? Apply to be the next Lieutenant Governor! Really!

Feeling down about your job? Do you need a fresh start? Tired of watching Judge Judy reruns during the day? DeVry didn’t deliver and you’re looking to do something different? Apply to run for Lieutenant Governor with Pat Quinn! Seriously! Do you want a job with great benefits even though the company can’t afford to pay them? This job is for you! Do you want a job where you get paid to do literally nothing? This job– like many other state jobs– is for you! 

I know, you’re sitting there on your couch with remote in one hand and Doritos in the other wondering whether you’re qualified. As long as you’re not a pawnbroker who dates prostitutes you qualify. If you’ve done one or the other you still qualify! Just not both. That’s too much for Illinois dems. It is assumed you never beat your wife and are up to date with your child support payments– or at least not $20,000.00 in arrears. If you are behind in child support payments, please disclose that in your application along with an essay on how far behind you are, along with good reasons for being a deadbeat dad (or mom) and you will still be considered. 

Sound too good to be true? Pinch yourself, you’re awake and with a little luck can have this great job. Here’s the press release issued by Michael Madigan’s office: 




Democratic Party of Illinois State Central Committee Begins Process for Selecting Lieutenant Governor Nominee 

Springfield, IL -Democratic Party of Illinois Chairman Michael J. Madigan announced Friday that the party’s state central committee is now accepting materials from those who wish to be considered for the Democratic nomination for lieutenant governor. 

“We intend for this to be an open and transparent process,” Chairman Madigan said. “Anyone that believes he or she has strengths to bring to the ticket is encouraged to submit their name for consideration.” 

Those with an interest in appearing before the state central committee may provide information about their background and credentials on the Democratic Party of Illinois website, State central committee members reserve the right to determine who will be chosen to address them. 

The elected state central committee is composed of 38 members, one man and one woman from each congressional district. Each member will have a weighted vote in selecting the nominee that is equal to the number of Democratic ballots cast in their congressional district in the February 2, 2010 primary election. A new state central committee will be established on March 5. 



As the last paragraph notes, its also good if you know somebody. But, its like that with any job, right? 

I was considering applying myself, until I thought about my potential bosses. The job’s direct boss is a guy named Pat. Pat’s a real nice guy who seems a bit out of sorts. It seems like Pat is in a bit over his head.  Although his job description has him as the decision maker– he’s just given the script. Thus, he looks a little bit off when he’s forced to ad lib in front of the cameras. About a year ago his boss told him that he’s the “face guy” in front of the cameras, but the real decisions are made behind the curtain. Pat– your direct boss– is never to question the people behind the curtain, so he is often seen wandering around Springfield with nothing to do, mumbling to himself about wanting his old job back. The job where everyone knew he had no power– the job you’re applying for. In his current job everyone thinks he has power– but he really has none. 

Your boss’s boss is a guy named Mike. 

Your boss's boss, Mike

You will never speak with him. You will never see him. You will never approach him. Capish? Remember near the beginning of the movie Goodfellas where Henry Hill (played by Ray Liotta) explained the hierarchy of his family? How the boss– Paulie (played by Paul Cicero)– never spoke directly to anyone, but gave orders through his most trusted lieutenant? That’s how you will interact with Mike. You know he’s there somewhere. But when he needs something from you, he’ll send his most trusted lieutenant– Lisa– to let you know what you are to do. The irony is that your direct boss also gets his orders the same way. After being at the position for a while, you might feel that Lisa is being groomed for something. But to do your job effectively, just smile and nod and be nice to Lisa. And only say good things about Mike. 

Here is the application: 

And if you do you’re job well, you will be in line for a promotion! As, if recent history is an indicator, your boss will end up under indictment and you’ll get his position! Although it happens so often you’d think the people of the state would be used to it, Illinoisans do not feel comfortable with our “elected” officials under indictment. Under investigation, yes (see Mayor Daley); under indictment, absolutely not. 

By the way– you will need a good criminal defense attorney on retainer. 

Good luck! 


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